Being happily married for a little over ten years I still find it amazing how BIG Sex is in a marriage.
The having it
The not having it
The not talking about it
This is going to be a very frank - out spoken post.
If you are delicate, single or under 18 you may want to go for a walk...
Let me address a few key topics
If a woman says, "Foreplay is over rated" - translation is - you suck at it and I have better things to do - like my nails.
If a man believes that Foreplay is over rated - again he sucks at it and doesn't understand.
Foreplay is a way to get both parties "ready", besides the bonding intimacy of the moment, it also helps make a woman tighter - making it in the long run much better for the man as well.
2. Sex in Marriage
I am a huge believer that sex needs to be between MARRIED people. (people married to each other that is)
When a woman has sex a chemical is released inside her brain emotionally bonding her to that partner - having multiple partners can lead to emotional damage.
I also don't understand how you can sleep with a random person - a person you won't trust your car keys, cell phone or bank account information to - but your body - that's okay. (*Shudders*)
When you are first married - its hard to be open and honest about everything because you don't want to offend the other person.
My hubby and I went to a marriage weekend a few months before we were married (separate rooms) the best advice they gave was to be open and honest about what you liked, didn't like, to openly ask for what you wanted.
From day one we were.
It was brutal.
Tears fell - fights happened.
However, it was amazing how quickly we got on the same page. How soon we started to be in harmony.
It was the best thing we did being honest so early in our marriage - before we had kids - when we were still having sex an average of 3 times a day.
10 years and two kids later - we average once to twice a week. I have found out due to my casual attitude about sex, that we are not the normal married couple.
Many couples think its normal for once a month - some even think once a month is good!
Sex keeps you bonded to your partner - it helps stave off hurt, loneliness, anger, bitterness and misunderstandings. It makes you feel better, emotionally and physically.
Last year when I spent the summer talking to a shrink she was amazed at how we had held onto "our time" even with young children and all that comes with it.
Late night moments, melatonin for the kids so we get a solid half hour and showering together are ways we have found to steal a few moments just for us, for our future and for our marriage.
You need to remember that YOU choose your partner. You planned forever with your partner. Your kids will grow up and leave, you will either be with a loving partner, a stranger you once knew or you will be looking for partner number ---.
3. Emotions and Sex
Hollywood has this glamorous picture of sex.
Everyone that hooks up with someone is happy - they both climax, they both feel a high.
This is a sad sad lie.
If you have been abused or have a partner that was sexually abused - sex is both needed and a minefield.
If you are pregnant or had a baby - sex (the drive) can disappear. Even having sex can be more of a chore than a pleasure.
Hormonal imbalances and other medical issues or medications can cause problems.
This is another reason you need to talk to your partner about what is going on. Also you need to talk to your doctor - we don't like talking about these issues and emotions. Somehow - not quite certain how - but we all feel we must work through it on our own.
I haven't quite figured out why we think this way - why we think its shameful, embarrassing or isn't important.
However, many times this is a side effect of something larger.
Betrayal - against the lie of Hollywood, the lie of the "perfect couple", the lie of "happily ever after." Against sexual betrayal, cheating, affairs or being told that you aren't good enough.
Sex is complicated, fun and very messy.
When you get it right, you both end up wanting more, being happy. When its right, you don't care and aren't ashamed of your reactions, begging or demanding during the act.
When done right you can both climax together. Something that many people don't believe can happen, but I have to prove them wrong 80% of the time my husband and I climax together.
SEX - is something that should be talked about. Not some hidden secret, not something to be lied about or faked. It isn't about that moment - its about making the next one better!
You see when we were young and had the energy to go three times a day or more - it wasn't as rewarding.
Now that we are older, pressed for time and lets face it more tired - our sex is amazing.
Nothing is held back, hidden or withheld.
Being emotionally naked as well as physically naked is one of the hardest things I have ever learned to do - and it has been oh so worth it.