Goals and Catching Up

I know that its been almost two years since I've blogged regularly. So what happened? Well if you followed me for a while or read through my, Path to Me, posts you would know that I've been working on finding me again.
The snarky, feisty, loudmouthed trouble maker that I missed terribly, but had become to tired and depressed to be.
Two years ago I WOKE UP.
Fully and completely.

Around the same time my husband went in for gastric bypass surgery and started to have seizures. He has dropped from 365 pds to 209!!!

Hubby when he's bored and missing me at work

He is still having seizures - they are growing more frequent and terrifyingly we haven't been able to determine the cause.
Thankfully he is on a medication that has minimized the effects of the seizures and has stopped them from being severe.

Due to his amazing progress in weight loss my darling hubby put money aside so that I could go in for the surgery as well. When he went in I weighed 236 pds. This Jan. I've finally managed to reach 216 pds.
Twenty pounds isn't something to be sad about, but still in a year in a half I wanted more progress so I agreed to undergo surgery.
HOWEVER - while I may be fearless about many things, I'm a HUGE chicken butt when it comes to hospitals!
The next day after agreeing to meet with a doctor for surgery I started HARD work on the treadmill. Starting with 60 min a day. After a week moving up to 90 min and now I am at 100 min a day.
I am down to 208 pds. and will continue to work my BUTT (quite literally) off!

I would rather cut out junk food, soda and work hard then have invasive life altering surgery. I have also agreed with my over clever husband that if I slack off and stop - I go in.
He is afraid for me. He is afraid that something could happen to both of us. Which coming from a long family line of heart issues on both sides of my family, I have to admit, his fear for me is valid.

The best thing about getting my spark back? My sense of fun?
I have more energy. I'm more creative. More active. My life the past two years has been FILLED!

To add to the fun list of things I need to catch you guys up on, my husband spent a weekend a few weeks ago and built a chicken coop from scratch. (Yes, he really is that good)
We have 9 chickens at the moment living and stinking up his office/my workout room. Tomorrow we will finish the outside fence of the coop and get them outside!
(You have NO idea how happy I am about this!)
I will post photos soon. Maybe even tomorrow but I can't make promises.
We will be hard at work getting the outer fence up, as well as running a power line from the back of the house to the coop so they won't freeze at night.

So in the quick brief bit I managed to write out - I'm awake, alive, causing mayhem and getting projects done!

Dear Me

Moving through the internet lately has been #DearMe. Where you give advice to younger women by saying what you would say to your younger self if you had the chance.
As always mine will be a bit different, but then again I'm not normal so here goes.

Dear Me;

Remember in Kindergarten when you counted the dots on the ceiling (loudly) to get out of time out? Remember the principal coming down? And how you spent the rest of the year visiting him in his office for 10 min a day? (and every day for the next 4 years)
Thank you! Those times ROCKED! I also have such great stories!

Remember in Third grade when you stood in front of the bulldozers and encouraged at least 45 other students of various ages to stand with you? Remember how they ran when the principal came over?
Remember how he had to erect in a 6 ft. fence around the entire "old" playground, to keep YOU out?
Thank you! I LOVE and adore how you were fearless!

Remember in the Seventh grade when your science teacher, vice principal and principal would rather believe you were a math and science genius to have figured out the rockets trajectory so that it would hit the vice principals car, than believe it was an accident?
Thank you! Evil genius does have a good ring to it!

Remember the first day of High School? First class Drivers Ed? Remember the look on your Drivers Ed teacher's face, when we were bumper tagged by our guy friends? (at least 10 guys in two cars - one in front of us, one behind.) How he asked if you were a cheerleader? You said no and waved at the guys, thanking them for embarrassing you and for being the best guy friends in the world!
Thank you! People still don't believe that one!

Remember moving to Phoenix? Your roommates? The year of both hell and growth. Of friendships that you still have?
Thank you! I can't imagine my life without that!

Remember being up for anything? Like randomly going to a College Swing Club?
Thank you! I met my BEST FRIEND of all time there, plus learned to dance!

Remember getting kicked out of Trolley Square Mall for playing laser tag? Or playing roller blade laser tag downtown SLC at midnight and getting yelled at by the Circus for moving their traffic cones?
Thank you! I look back and KNOW that I LIVED life to the fullest!

Remember Wil? The guy with the UGLY sweater and the corduroy pants?
Thank you! For giving him a shot! This April 27th will be our 13th anniversary!

Thank you! You made great choices, lived life and enjoyed every second! We didn't do anything that the media thinks teens do. We never drank, smoked, did drugs or had sex outside of marriage.
I was never arrested, never involved in crime and AMAZINGLY I look back on my life with happiness. I LIVED.
I have memories of adventure, friendships, camps, activities, sports and love.
I am still trying to be that brave spontaneous person. Still living, still enjoying life and all that is around me. I refuse to fall into a rut and become bored with the life I live.
Thank you! Because you were fearless, so am I.





I am also raising my children to enjoy life's quirky moments - Midnight Recyclers 

New Beginings

The black shirt is from Christmas - its the original before.

The red/hospital gown is after losing 20 pds in the two weeks before surgery.

He is home.

No more complications.

A few very long days of recovery and then we start to walk!

I have lost and gained back the 4 pounds and am still working on losing.

Healthy diet, exercise and sticking to it - should help.

This is the last stage on my Path to Me.

The first few stages were waking up, getting active, accomplishing goals and re-finding my sense of humor.

The last phase and the longest is to lose all the depression and baby weight that I gained.

Will keep you posted.

This is a little bit of the amazing moments that kept me away from my blog. Sorry, its been so long. Will keep you posted on our weight loss.

CHAKRA and Me

Here are my Chakra test results that I took in my post yesterday. Read Here

CHAKRA TEST RESULTS FOR TELISHA

YOUR Root Chakra

is CLOSED

YOUR Sacral Chakra

is WEAK

YOUR Personal Power Chakra

is STRONG

YOUR Heart Chakra

is STRONG

YOUR Throat Chakra

is STRONG

YOUR Intuitive Chakra

is WEAK

YOUR Crown Chakra

is STRONG

                                                                     ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

For the most part I agree with the scores. I don't believe that my Sacral being weak is true - then again few people can separate how they feel about themselves and sex. My sex life is fine (as I went into detail in Shocking Topic - Sex) my self image is what I might call practical.

I am practical in the fact that I look like a short fat garden gnome sans the dress.
I am practical that I have not lost G'man's baby weight.
I am practical that my spare tire is large enough for a semi truck.

See my self esteem is NORMAL for one who looks like me, just because my husband is delusional enough to find me sexually attractive and I am smart enough not to correct that delusion... well that leads to a still great sex life.

So now that you have taken the test, you have your results! What next you might ask?!
Now you click on the following links below in the areas that you are blocked or weak.

Root Chakra Help

Sacral Chakra Help

Personal Power Help

Heart Chakra Help

Throat Chakra Help

Intuitive Chakra Help

Crown Chakra Help 

Once again for some beliefs and faiths, this goes hand in hand. For my personal faith, well its gets murky. Many of my family believe that this is similar to voodoo.
I, obviously don't.
This is an ancient art that could be described as a precursor for psychology.
A way to bring the mind back into good health and well being, a way for you to do it yourself without having to go to a shrink.
My last year seeing a shrink was "O so fabulous!" NOT!
I would much rather work things out on my own. If I can, not by buying 5 thousand self help books, but from age old practical wisdom as in how to fix your chakra's.
The steps are simple, easy and can be done everyday.

They don't give any bad or dangerous advice, they don't even preach their own religion, rather it complements it.
Doing this does not require a change of faith, diet or dress code.
You don't change anything about you that you don't want to and just because its different doesn't mean that its bad.

So for all my family out there that started praying for me yesterday - really I'm good.
When my body is sick I pray for healing. When my heart hurts I run to God's throne or read my bible.
I know where my strength comes from to get through all of the stuff.
But really there are times I need to be able to take a test and pinpoint where I am having issues. Then not shrug them off or act like a martyr by telling myself, "I'm strong enough".
I was strong.
I knew my path.
I had my whole life mapped out.
Then I got married and had kids and guess what? I'm not.

So if you need the extra help - don't be afraid to find it. Right now I am adding spice to my life. I need to get my metabolism moving again. I need to get me moving again.
I also need to work on a few issues that have been keeping me, "on the couch" as it were.
Last year I tried Modern Medicine. It got me on meds that woke me up. Then I had a cold dose of reality and struggled with wanting to stay awake.
Now I am trying much older medicine, in the hopes that I will be able to find a few things to help me move forward.
Hopefully if you need help you can find it to. Whether here, in the bible or in some other way.

Ancient East Health

This post may offend many. I have a way of doing that even when I am trying so hard to be supportive - my last post, that will be soon deleted, titled Sorrows of the Heart is a good case in point. I just wanted to express my sorrow for the family in a nice way and was told I was horrible. I would like to say that I would never intentionally hurt someone like that.

This post goes against many of my religious and cultural beliefs OR should I say it goes against many of like minded religious peoples beliefs, as its not actually against anything that is in my bible.
What am I talking about?
Ayurveda, Dosha's, Chackras, Tai Chi, Yoga, Tea & Meditation.
Both India and China have ancient health "secrets". They have remained secrets mostly due to everyone elses ignorance.
Both Yoga & Tai Chi have different levels, physical, mental, diets and beliefs. If you don't believe the same things then don't. It has nothing (really nothing) to do with whether or not their physical and food beliefs can help you.
I know, I know, in a world of modern medicine we have a hard time thinking that herbs, spices and an ancient regime may actually be better at preventing disease then vitamins and yet, thousands of years of proof that they do help.

Ayurveda - The Three Dosha's 
Click here to find your Dosha
This is from India, its about bringing the body into balance.
Right now I am a Kapha/Vata
I need to up my spices and workout routine to help burn off the weight and regain my energy.

My sister and a few friends LOVE Yoga. I have tired yoga and when I was thinner I did enjoy it. I am too heavy right now to be amused at how my belly roll slides to the side while I attempt even the most basic form.
So I have started Tai Chi, which is great for people with health issues, old age, obese or other physical limitations.
Another great site is Every Day Tai Chi.
The point is to get moving. Can't run up the hill? Can't jog? Can't bend? Find a style that you can do.
Right now this gets me off the couch. This is a great way to wake up, get moving and to get motivated to hop on the treadmill and really work up a sweat - especially since you can do the stretching and winding down exersises to help your muscles!

Which brings me to Chakra's

Now many people get caught up in the belief of this as in you have to believe or you have to not believe.
When you go to your doctor they will ask you a set of questions. Each answers leads to further questions to help them pinpoint an area in your body that needs help.
Chakra's are the same but for emotions and mental health.
Click here to Test Your Chakra.
This explains Chakra's a little more clearly, but what it boils down to is how your emotions and reactions can cause physical issues in your body. Guilt, hate, bitterness, worry, stress and fear can make you physically ill and cause severe health issues.
Recognizing the issues and working through them can help bring you and your body into better health.

Never be afraid to look into Holistic, Herbal, Homeopathy and Ancient Health Secrets that can help you far better and longer than a pill from the doctor.
Doctors and modern medicine are for AFTER you are sick. All of the above is PREVENTING illness and promoting well being.

Doctors deal with the now and I love my doctor and my children's doctor and if you have an illness you need to see one (and follow their advice) if you have researched holistic remedies talk to you doctor and bring the research with you so that they can incorporate it safely with the medication you are on.
It is important for them to work hand in hand.
As always research is key. Being informed and working for your well being is important.
Good luck and may you be successful in a healthier and better life.

Beauty For Ashes

Isaiah 61:3

New Living Translation (NLT)

³ To all who mourn in Israel,^[a]
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

How many times in life have you heard or said, God must have allowed it? I'm sure he had a purpose for ___? I'm sorry that happened BUT maybe it was for _____?

WRONG! Very very wrong! The Bible says - 

John 10:10

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁰ The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.

The thief being Satan and MY being Jesus/GOD. 

Bad things happen. They happen everyday to good people. People that have angels and families that love them.

They don't happen because GOD says to himself, this horrible thing will help my child. They happen because Satan is doing all he can to hurt, destroy and kill your happiness, your life and your future.

However, God can turn bad things into beautiful things. He can turn the horrible into the incredible.

My garden inspired me. I had this talk for about the 8th time with a beautiful woman who I love dearly. People continue to judge her, lie to her and try to hurt her - even by trying to validate the abuse she suffered.

While I was mulling over a better way to illustrate verses and ideas she has heard and read a thousand times, I gardened.

I have a fire place, I save all the ashes from my fireplace to add to my garden soil. Because it adds the best nutrients into the ground.

Its also one of the major reasons that people live next to live volcano's. Hawaii is the best example I know of. The plant life is lush, the seasons warm, the land filled with plenty. However, a horror is always looming. Doom can descend at any time.

Volcano's are one of the MOST destructive powers in the natural world.

It can't be reasoned with.

It can't always be predicted.

It can't be protected against.

You run or you die.

It kills without discrimination.

Everything in its path dies.

The air is death.

The ash is death.

The heat is death.

and yet... when its over life springs forth stronger and more vibrant. 

Just like a volcano, rape, abuse, hurt, pain & betrayal, can be the most destructive force in a persons life.

Many people commit suicide due to how fearful or un-hopeful they become.

God's promise of, Beauty for Ashes, is evident whereever a volcano explodes. If he can over come the most destructive force in nature and quickly too, so can he heal your hurt and turn a bad thing into a good thing.

Using a bad experience or a bad thing in your life for God's glory doesn't mean that "it was meant to be." Or that you were destined for that pain - but it can take the bad and use it for good. 

The best thing a person can do is allow God to heal the pain and to then use it to help heal others.

Taking the victory away from Satan.

The volcano doesn't disappear, nor does the damage of what has happened in your life.

The ash doesn't get swept away.

However, it becomes something more - something better.

 

Renewal and is Pinterest for you?

For those new to my blog if you want the full story please read the links under - The Path to Me - page on the page bar of my blog.

Why? Well because that is where the story starts for me. I went into deep depression and then it became a habit. Not thinking, feeling, focusing or caring is a very dangerous apathetic habit.
Only with the help of depression meds (that all sorts of studies say don't work, I say after six years of trying to pull my self up - Oh Hell Yes they do!) was I able to start to wake my brain back up. To fully sleep at night, and truly awake in the morning.

At first the task is daunting. I am so behind in everything. The whole house must be cleaned, organized, sorted and redone. Things that have been long put off are finally caught up on - many times I want to return to numbness as the ever growing list of things to do, and people who are watching, continue to grow.
The pressure I am sure would crush many, for me it only serves to make me angry.
For me though, that's a good thing - I clean better when I am angry.

For six months I battle before I even feel like I am finally getting ahead of things! Its a very long slow process.
Being awake again, has brought new things to my attention and has again sparked my creative side!
I started making and fixing more things at home (darning, repairing, reusing & Home Made products) and then I joined pinterest.

Where I found a new organizing tip! Instead of shelving your sheets like grandma did, you fold the whole set top, fitted & extra's INSIDE the matching pillow case!
Brilliant! I only wish I had done this when the kids were younger! Night time bed changes would have been so much easier!
No digging or searching just add them into piles - boys, girls, king, queen & twin. Voila!

Also going through my linen closet I was able to determine which sheets were loners - extras - leftovers.

Instead of throwing these away 

I'm going to start a scrap quilt.

Now a scrap quilt is much different then the beautiful quilts you see with patterns.

However, I will save all of that for another post ;).

Also I made our family a chore chart - I keep getting in trouble for NOT being a mind reader! I do a ton of work but because it's NOT what HE wanted done - he's not happy. I know, I feel his pain too - boo hoo!
Now he can write down one thing and I can write down one thing! Brilliant!

Now on to Pinterest and if it's for you!
First off many wonder what pinterest is and if its for them.
Here are the basic questions I have to help you.

1. Do you often find recipes, blogs, tips, hints & good ideas and say - That Rocks!
2. Do you do, How to - Do-It-Yourself or crafting projects?
3. Do you like gardening? cooking? scrapbooking? -------- fill in any hobby right here!
4. Do you like to keep up on certain products or items?
5. Have ever found something (online) that makes you say OMG! That is amazing! 

If you have answered a loud yes to more than 3 of the 5 questions and you don't have a pinterest YOU NEED IT. If you answered with a mild yes to 3 or more, you would like pinterest and get on every few weeks as needed.
If you only said yes to one or two - pinterest may or may not be for you - you should give it a try and decide then.
If you shook your head No, or didn't even understand half the questions -Pinterest is not for you - most possibly neither is the internet.

Valentines Day Pampering

First off I stated by taking the kids to school - if you want a nice morning of pampering getting rid of the kids is a MUST!
Next I made my version of Lemon Sugar Scrub, substituting Lime for Lemon - you can also use a scented oil - I wouldn't I really like the acid of of the citrus it gets rid of all sorts of smells - including garlic.

I cleaned the bathtub - I know most people already have a clean tub - but if I am going in for a nice long soak I like to double check.
Made the water as hot as I could - added some bath salts, soaked, shaved, relaxed, inhaled my scentsy and just was.
After washing my hair & adding in the conditioner I emptied out the tub (I know you wondering where all this detail is going - be patient) then I grabbed my new scrub and rubbed it every where decent you can apply it.
Here's the thing. For those of you out there that like salt scrubs - they dry out your skin. The do exfoliate - but they also damage.
Using salts in your bath is a good way to prep your body to shed skin - without drying out your skin.
Sugar scrubs are just as exfoliating (I think they are a little better due to smaller granules).

Then of course I washed off under hot - then warm water. Ending the shower on a colder tone help to re-close the pores.

Also side note: another bonus to using a sugar scrub instead of a salt is if you end up accidentally liking your fingers it isn't that gross.

After then I pat dried and sat in my towel allowing the rest of the oil to soak into my skin for at least half an hour.
My skin hasn't felt this great in years - why? - because I rarely take time to take care of myself.
Take a moment figure out when you can pamper yourself for just a little bit - turn one regular part of your routine into something extra special.
This is cheap - easy and WONDERFUL!

The above recipe is normally for Hand Scrub - do not use to often on your body or you will also hurt your skin!

An Ending and a Begining - W.W.W4

So W.W.W4 = Weekly Workshop Week 4 - in case you were wondering.
Also this is the last of the Extreme Self care Workshop next up from Hope-filled living is making a prayer journal.

To value yourself ~ and to find your outlet & passion. Find your inner secret talent, skill, love, or "voice".
For me its writing. My first draft never conveys what I want it to say.
Before my mother passed I would scrap it, move on and try again with a new idea. Never finishing a story.
After she passed away I needed a place to hide - mentally - I started a story.
From the first several chapters came people, a story, a way to bring a vision about. However, if you read the "original" chapters I started with 5 years ago you would not find much similar to the opening chapters now.

Weekly Workshop Week 3

This week's work shop covers ~ Appearance, Daily Rituals & Quality of Life

To join please click on Weekly Workshop Week 3
What I have posted below are only part of the workshop if you really wish to understand, join in or be apart please click the link above.

Workshop Week Two

Again to start the series Please head over to Hope-Filled Living Magazine Workshop Week One
To read all of Today's advice - help - care and the full (beautifully written) Workshop please visit Hope-Filled Living Magazine Workshop Week Two.

The title for lesson two is: Extreme Self Care

Art & Free Advice!

My little girl (Prissy) is an artist - very much like her papa and auntie. So today we bought her a new art set.

My son (LittleMan) seems to have acquired my artistic talent - meaning I am GREAT painting ceramic Christmas houses - coloring in between the lines.... and writing, did I mention I am a really good writer?

So far he is taking after me - as in the can not draw my minds eye for ANYTHING! Praying that he will grow into more of his fathers talents as he ages!

So far the best part is that just like me - he doesn't care. Painting in and of itself is fun! Love the heart and the joy he brings to his art work!

This is the new art work gracing the walls of the kids down stairs living room. Why the previous owners used dark paneling in a dimly lit basement is beyond me, however, we are trying to lighten it up until the time we can afford to re-panel. (not very high on our to do fix it list)

Anything and everything we can do to bring some brightness and cheer to their area we will do - we want them to WANT to be down there!

Tomorrow I will post pictures of my newest obsession - organizing!!!

Did I mention that finally after several years I feel awake? Oh yeah - I am cleaning (amazing I know) don't get you hopes up though my bedroom is still a disaster!! (working on it tomorrow - or just crying thinking about working on it) I am organizing, cooking, helping with homework and keeping pace with life in general!

So glad that I took time - real time - for me and my problems this summer. Its funny but I kept putting it off because my family needed other things - "they" were more important ect ect ect....
Now, however, that I am ME again and my mind and body are fully awake, I can tell you that putting off taking care of me hurt them far more then it helped them.
They needed me - not the zombie drone barely awake, barley functioning me - the real me.
After I took a small amount of time I knew I should have taken care of my issues so many years ago. I can never make up to my family the years my putting "me" off cost them.
If you have depression, exhaustion, no motivation, lack of caring - please seek help!

New Year - New You!

My friend Falling Off a High-Heeled Life recommended this weekly Wednesday Workshop (please click link to join)

This is for all the women who have put off taking care of themselves - allowing themselves to be worn down, worn out and frazzled (sounds familiar? Yeah me too).
Most likely I will read it on Wednesday - think about it - and post it on Thursday. Allowing myself time to REALLY think about it, not just off the top of my head, quick fix, quick answer, fast track mode that I normally do in life.


Week One: List 3 changes in each of the following categories that you would like to work toward in 2012

Physical
1. Lose weight (I have been working on this for quite some time)
2. Fix hair more often
3. Care for my nails and skin more

Emotional
1. Calm down - Stop stressing!
2. Find a happy zone
3. Let go of anger and hurt

Spiritual
1. Read my bible more
2. Pray more
3. Listen more

Just recognizing the things you want to change is a huge step.

For those that have been following my blog for some time - you are familiar with "My Path to Me". Where this summer I finally started taking care of me.
After years of caring for my husband (and his many illnesses), my daughter with her Asthma and many allergies and my son with his mama issues.
This summer I started taking care of me. No longer putting off my issues "waiting until I had more time, money" or the ever popular, "when things calm down".

If you don't take time now you, your family and your friends are ALL losing out! I put off taking care of my needs FAR too long!
I have dim memories of dirty rooms, dirty children, piled up dishes and extreme tiredness.
This Christmas was the Best EVER!!!
Or at least ever since my Mama died.

My children didn't get a ton of toys, lots of candy or huge parties. However, this year they got mama, awake, happy and energetic!
I had the energy to put up Christmas decorations and make cookies with my kids.
We had cuddle times, laughter and hugs.
My memories are no longer dim and foggy. I took the time this summer - only a few months - and I am already so much better then I have been for almost 7 years!

Each woman deserves to find her own Path to Me. You can join this one and be apart of a group - or go it alone - just don't stop walking!

Life and everything in between

Ok here is my life in little mini clips.

Financially we are struggling. This, however, is SO not a new thing in our lives so its not really news its just that right now I want to shoot someone for how they do taxes! Hubby worked 18 hours of over time but forgot to claim tax exempt on his pay check and yup - we got only 150.00 dollars of that over time - the government got the rest!

My daughter is SO far behind the rest of her class that her brother in kindergarten not only has better handwriting but may be smarter by the end of the year. Needless to say we are getting her tested for dyslexia and working with her every night to try to get her caught up. Last year was a VERY bad school year with a horrible teacher and a bad school. Have I mentioned yet how much I LOVE her new school?  I LOVE HER SCHOOL THIS YEAR!!!

Littleman LOVES kindergarten! He is doing great! He is also the boy with the attitude in class. Its funny their are several other little boys in his class that dress "tough" with leather jackets and spiked hair. My son, the cutie with the adorable dimpled smile, is the rebel.
His first day all the kids sat on the carpet and sang a hello welcome to class song - EVERY other kid in the room was singing, smiling or hugging their mama's, my kid however is looking at me with a stunned pained expression that clearly says, "Are you kidding me? Mama this woman is singing at me... MAKE HER STOP!"
Yup from that moment forward all the parents stopped watching the antics of their cute kids and started watching mine. He of course ate that up! At this moment though I am just happy he is not struggling and that while his teacher not only still sings at him but expects that he will actually learn and sing along, he still likes her. Thank God for small miracles!

Now this is partly my fault. With my daughter I played all the cute baby songs until my head almost exploded. With my son... well he grew up on Bon Jovi, Lenny Kravitz & Billy Joel. About the sweetest music he got was the Monkeys, the Beatles and Dean Martin. What can I say, my sanity was going after just one year of listening to songs about sunshine.

Thanksgiving is approaching and so far only the first floor of my home is clean - the basement is a disaster. This year like every year (we hope) in the future my sisters are coming in for thanksgiving, which means a ton of cleaning in my future!

I have also been losing weight. I am THRILLED about this. A few months ago I felt awake again. Alive again. Today I can only say that back then I was still in transition. I feel like I am ME again. So look out world! I am on FIRE!

Hubby is doing good - not sure what to do with me at the moment but he is a smart man. He smiles, hugs me and then moves to a safe distance! He remembers the old viberent, off the wall, scatic, insane schemer he married... he might have thought I mellowed with age but really it was just the depression. He is happy, though that the house is getting cleaner! ;)

As for patch (our dog) well he's more of a mama lover, follower, cuddler, and best friend then ever.

So behind...

I have so much to catch up on.

Weight loss
Weddings
Girls night outs
Hair cuts
Autism walks (this Saturday!)
Cooking
Gardening
And how all of a sudden I am not only awake but cleaning my house.

First up - R.I.P Steve Jobs

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do....

~ (Steve Jobs) Apple Inc.
1955-2011 R.I.P.
You will be missed.

Also this Sunday my little girl turns 8!
This is so amazing, I remember every detail of her birth.
I remember who was their, what stupid things were said. How close I came to dying... Ah the good times.
I will be posting a special post Sunday to remember my girl over the years.

I have not stopped blogging. I love blogging.
However, I have woken up.
I am cleaning away and reorganizing 6 years of neglect and Irma (My Friend Irma) like behavior.
I have not been on due to the amount of work I have been doing - as well as working out.

Also my camera is dying... and I am heartbroken. So I haven't been able to take a lot of photos to share.
I miss you all. I miss running by and reading all of your posts. I promise to catch up soon.
I promise I will be back.

I like me - who knew?

A while ago I was having some major headaches, coupled with blurred vision, dizziness and speech stutters. I ran for my doctor.
My family has no history of tumors, in fact my family seems to favor heart issues. No matter that brain tumors are no where on my family tree I still ran to my doctor.
In one day I saw my doctor in the morning and had an MRI in the afternoon.

Go ahead ask me what they saw on the tests...
My brain is beautiful! LOL
Yup that's right she said the words beautiful and perfect when referring to MY BRAIN!

I can joke now, but for one whole week while I waited to see my doctor I was worried. I worried about going in for surgery. I worried about what they might have to cut through.

You see my brain is not like most peoples. I mean that literally. I am a global thinker. I use both sides of my brain and have since childhood. I am ambidextrous. I can write and use both my hands for all tasks. When I played baseball I was a switch hitter. When I play catch with my son I favor my left hand.

Before I fired my shrink, she said that it was my brain that had kept me from going insane already. That I was handling and coping with more drama and emotional stress. Because of how my brain functions I was taking on more than most people can handle.

So when I was faced with the possibility of having a tumor I began to worry about what cutting into my brain might do to one like me.
What it might do to my personality.

In a panic I called my BFF (Tired Mom). My biggest worry? What if I turned NICE?
Now for those that don't understand that statement. I love my snarky ways. I love having an edge. Sharp wit is my friend. I find my sometimes malicious sense of humor slightly delicious and lets face it - you do to. Either that or this blog would be pretty flippin boring.

I know that most people when faced with having a tumor might worry about other things, but my major worry seriously was what might happen to my personality.
I like being me.
Even though being me is not easy and I don't have a ton of friends, those I do have, are the type of friends everyone wishes for. They really and truly have my back.

I used to be so alone. On the outside looking in. My core center of friends was at most 3 friends at a time. It doesn't matter though, I still like who I am. I like my stubbornness. My charisma. My bluntness. My inability to be fake. After years of berating myself - for constantly telling myself that it was my own fault and that if I changed I could have more friends, be more popular and have an easier life - guess what?

I don't want it.
I like my life the way it is.
I like me.

So with that revelation it was worth the worry, the stress and the fear of a possible tumor.
I am fine.
No I am better than fine, I am happy.

Turns out all I needed was sleep and to de-stress. My cluster headaches are gone and my sharp, rigid, inflexible, pig-headed, stubborn, one-sided, black and white personality is safely in tack.
Have I mentioned that all is right in the world?

Arms, School, Car & Me

 

Prissy getting her cast off before and after photo

The arrow shows that even after six weeks of having five pins and a cast in her arm is still broken.

They had to take the cast off and get her arm moving or it won't regain full movement.

Everyday we do arm exercises working her arm into mobility - right now its half way there.

So as many have noticed I took some time away from blogging and facebook. Much has been happening.

Prissy started the second grade this week at her new school - she loves her new teacher, her class and the food at this school!
LittleMan starts kindergarten this next Monday going for half days. He already met his teacher and really likes her. I am grateful that the school is much closer to home.

Two weeks ago (round about) our car broke down. REALLY broke down. After some quick thinking we decided to trade it in and find something new.

We found a 2007 Dodge Grand Caravan - its a slightly darker blueish/purple then what is shown in the photo.
It has the stow and go seats - rides like a dream and I LOVE IT! Great thing it also uses less gas per mile then our old car so I am a very spoiled woman right now!

Now on to why I haven't been on for a while - as many of you know I have been searching for my old self. I have seen shrinks, doctors and have found diets to help balance things back into place.
I have fired my shrink - it doesn't do me any good to have someone sit there and constantly agree with me - if I wanted that I could talk to a mirror.
My doctor took what my shrink had tried to do (Zoloft and sleeping pills that kept me awake) kept the Zoloft but switched me to Melatonin.

Two nights of sleeping and the weight hasn't yet stopped pouring off of me - so far I am down about ten pounds without effort.
After a few months of sleep I should be able to stop the Zoloft, its a stop gap until my body catches up with the sleep. I hope that my diet - following the eating by blood type has helped balance out other chemical issues my body had been dealing with.

Now I know that sleep is important, but being a mother you get used to NOT sleeping. In fact due to my daughters Asthma issues I am even better at not sleeping then most parents. I haven't slept a full night long for almost 8 years. Until the melatonin. Ironically my Dr. told me to buy the 1 mg doses and then work my way up to 3 or 4 depending on what works for me. So far one is just fine.

After all the years of gaining weight - dieting, exercising and trying new things it was SLEEP that I needed. I feel much saner and closer to my old self then I have in years. I am praying that the weight loss continues, but feeling awake and energetic is enough for right now.

Life is crazy and busy - I have much around the house that I am catching up on but I will try to blog more often. ;)

Sorry

I have a ton of things to say and no time to say it. I promise photos, and stories will be forthcoming.

One break through that the majority of my readers will never be able to understand unless you have gone through depression - I went a whole week keeping my kitchen immaculate!
Yay!
I have even started to move on to cleaning other rooms - who knows it may catch on!

The path to Me - Guilt

 

I follow many blogs and while I don't comment on all of them - you have no idea how many I actually read and keep up with.

A favorite of mine - is private so I will post the link, but you may need to ask permission to view-

Its called The Great Umbrella Heist.

A few months ago she was featured as Blog of Note, shortly after that she had to put her blog to private, in order to keep out the freaks that started stalking her triplets and saying some disturbing and nasty junk.

A few days ago she posted the majority of the story when a year before her triplets were born her first baby died in womb a few days after her due date.

The post is titled, How it happens.

Have you ever had a moment of clarity feeling someone else's pain? This is what I wrote in response to her pain.

Writing it all out hopefully will help give you closure.

If you have any trolls who jump on and say something nasty delete them and move on.

You can always see what you could have done differently, I have quilt over my mothers death - that I didn't realize she was that sick.

No matter how many times I wish I had gotten her to the hospital earlier it does not and will not change the fact that I just didn't know.

Neither did you.

If you had known, if you had suspected - YOU WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ELSE.

Forgiveness of self is the hardest thing to do.

IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER.

May you find the peace you need.

And in one amazing moment I understood why I have had such severe depression, why I hated myself on so many days. Why I was gaining the weight and couldn't shake it off. Why now I am finally starting to come out of the dark.

It was GUILT.

I had not forgiven myself for letting my mother down when she needed me most. For not understanding how bad off she was.

You see 6 1/2 years ago my father was out of town, my sister was across town house sitting. The day before my mother had been fine. My husband had undergone his first in and out surgery for parathyroid. 

We lived with my parents at the time so when I came home with my husband that night I made dinner for everyone. My mother was grateful in her words she was "feeling run down." 

She looked tired. 

We all went to bed early that night. In the morning I heard coughing. I left my daughter and hubby downstairs and went upstairs to see how mama was doing.

She was sick. She told me she had pneumonia. I believed her - how could I not? She was puking up red, chunky crap that looked and smelled like it.

I followed her advice on how to treat and spent the morning running back and forth between her and my one year old daughter who I had brought up stairs and placed in the playpen.

I knew my mother needed to get to the hospital, but she wasn't dressed and she was weak. I knew she would kill me if I called an ambulance so instead I went to make her lunch with the plans of getting her dressed and into the hospital after eating.

Sounds normal right?

WRONG.

When I returned with her lunch she was dead.

I started CPR and had my hubby call an ambulance.

Hours later it was clear - the fluid had filled her lungs so quickly she had suffocated to death.

Why?

Her heart had been to weak to clear the fluid.

We didn't even know she had a heart condition!

But for years I blamed myself for not getting help sooner, for not doing more.

Guilt is an ugly thing, it eats away at you. Zaps you and kills your self-worth. Its easy to see what I could have done differently but the simple fact is I didn't know.

Even as I type the tears are falling, losing mama has been like losing a part of my heart. She died at the age of 52. 

Far to young to leave us. 

Am I healed? Nope. But I have hope that in time I can be. I know that if I had known I would have acted sooner. I would have done anything to save her.

Today I have lost 6 pds and have 80 more to go. I am eating better and starting to exercise. My children deserve a mother who will be there for them, who will not  pity mode that will eventually kill me young.

On the Path and with Friends

My therapy's office

another visit past and I am feeling hope

that this awakening will last.

 My BFF's new deck still under construction - but almost done!

Tonight's full moon was amazing!

Dinner tonight!
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