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My life is a crazy, unpredictable, jumbled mess of fun. Each day creating adventures and stories that will last a lifetime 

Monday, July 18, 2011

The path to Me - Guilt

I follow many blogs and while I don't comment on all of them - you have no idea how many I actually read and keep up with.

A favorite of mine - is private so I will post the link, but you may need to ask permission to view-
A few months ago she was featured as Blog of Note, shortly after that she had to put her blog to private, in order to keep out the freaks that started stalking her triplets and saying some disturbing and nasty junk.

A few days ago she posted the majority of the story when a year before her triplets were born her first baby died in womb a few days after her due date.
The post is titled, How it happens.

Have you ever had a moment of clarity feeling someone else's pain? This is what I wrote in response to her pain.

Writing it all out hopefully will help give you closure.

If you have any trolls who jump on and say something nasty delete them and move on.

You can always see what you could have done differently, I have quilt over my mothers death - that I didn't realize she was that sick.

No matter how many times I wish I had gotten her to the hospital earlier it does not and will not change the fact that I just didn't know.

Neither did you.
If you had known, if you had suspected - YOU WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING ELSE.

Forgiveness of self is the hardest thing to do.
May you find the peace you need.

And in one amazing moment I understood why I have had such severe depression, why I hated myself on so many days. Why I was gaining the weight and couldn't shake it off. Why now I am finally starting to come out of the dark.
It was GUILT.
I had not forgiven myself for letting my mother down when she needed me most. For not understanding how bad off she was.

You see 6 1/2 years ago my father was out of town, my sister was across town house sitting. The day before my mother had been fine. My husband had undergone his first in and out surgery for parathyroid. 
We lived with my parents at the time so when I came home with my husband that night I made dinner for everyone. My mother was grateful in her words she was "feeling run down." 
She looked tired. 
We all went to bed early that night. In the morning I heard coughing. I left my daughter and hubby downstairs and went upstairs to see how mama was doing.

She was sick. She told me she had pneumonia. I believed her - how could I not? She was puking up red, chunky crap that looked and smelled like it.
I followed her advice on how to treat and spent the morning running back and forth between her and my one year old daughter who I had brought up stairs and placed in the playpen.
I knew my mother needed to get to the hospital, but she wasn't dressed and she was weak. I knew she would kill me if I called an ambulance so instead I went to make her lunch with the plans of getting her dressed and into the hospital after eating.
Sounds normal right?
When I returned with her lunch she was dead.
I started CPR and had my hubby call an ambulance.
Hours later it was clear - the fluid had filled her lungs so quickly she had suffocated to death.
Her heart had been to weak to clear the fluid.
We didn't even know she had a heart condition!
But for years I blamed myself for not getting help sooner, for not doing more.
Guilt is an ugly thing, it eats away at you. Zaps you and kills your self-worth. Its easy to see what I could have done differently but the simple fact is I didn't know.

Even as I type the tears are falling, losing mama has been like losing a part of my heart. She died at the age of 52. 
Far to young to leave us. 
Am I healed? Nope. But I have hope that in time I can be. I know that if I had known I would have acted sooner. I would have done anything to save her.
Today I have lost 6 pds and have 80 more to go. I am eating better and starting to exercise. My children deserve a mother who will be there for them, who will not  pity mode that will eventually kill me young.


Tired Mom said...

Oh sweetie... I am so sorry you've been having to deal with those feelings for so long. I can't imagine, of course, but I know guilt is an ugly, heavy feeling that doesn't let up. You are a strong woman and a good mother to your kids. Now that you're taking care of yourself, they will have their mother for many years.

I know talking and thinking about your mama is hard, but it's good therapy for you. Keep at it, and you know you can talk to me and your sis anytime you want, ok? I LOVE YOU!

Dawn Marie said...

I am so sorry. I keep beating myself up for not going home that night, I heard it in my heart, that I should go home. I'm not sure if things would have changed, but I keep wondering...what if?
I love you, and no one blames you at all. I pray that you will be able to completely forgive yourself.

Wiley said...

Guilt is hard. I hope you keep finding your own path to coming to terms with what you feel.

I am glad you are steering more people to Sarah. She has consistently told her story and made stillbirth a topic of discussion rather than slept under the rug. Having read her blog actually was a huge help to me when I lost a twin to a cord accident.

Hoping for you seeing the light as well.

(and I have a bad habit of just reading blogs that I had pointed out to me recently. Reader tells me I have 268 subscriptions though..)

(perhaps more terrifyingly, it says: Since July 24, 2007 you have read a total of 35,562 items)

High Heeled Life said...

You did absolutely nothing wrong!! I am certain your Mother knows how much you loved her and that you did all you could do. Many things in our lives happen, with no reason at all. Though its hard to not be human and feel we could have done more ... the blue-print of our life is not designed by us. How we live our life while here is our choice (something I sometmes need reminding myself)...

May you continue to find peace on the journey your life has been sent on... I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. XO HHL

Heather said...

*hugs* I imagine part of you will never be able to fully accept what happened. Whats important is that you take care of yourself, not just for your kids, or children, but for your mom as well.
one thing she left us was the fact that life can be shorter then one wold expect and we need to live our lives to the fullest.

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